New York City - the center of the universe, times are shitty but I'm pretty sure they can't get worse. It's a comfort to know when you’re singing the hit the road blues. That anywhere else you can possibly go after New York would be a pleasure cruise (to all my RENT fans).
Today, I leave on tour with ArtsPower in the show Four Score and Seven Years Ago as Lemuel. I can appear to be “living the dream.” Living here is an aspiration for many, whether musicians, actors, people in finance, nannies, yogis and any other occupation that matters to you regardless of what everyone else says. However, for me it became more so, a nightmare than a dream.
I expected that this adventure would be stretching, uncertain and eye opening. It was not only those things but it was also lonely, not as gratifying as most would think, and many times, hopelessness would scream louder than the A train.
One quote that really hit home for me on this journey says,"It's really hard to be ready for the jungle when you've trained in the zoo. Sometimes we are so domesticated and wonder why we're completely irrelevant to the world." It couldn't be more true in my personal and spiritual life. I was raised in a non-denominational church (meaning they didn't want/need to associate with a specific denomination but they loved Jesus nevertheless). It was a great thing to have grown up in an environment like that and consequently it also became disheartening. I don't believe it prepared me as much as I would have liked it to for what I was going to experience in this city,
When you step out in something that scares the crap out of you, it's first of all hard as hell. Secondly, you will often question if you made the right decision. But, when God puts something in your mind, heart, and soul it gets really hard to shake it off. So, I took a risk and took a bite... into the Big Apple (I didn't know that many of its parts were rotten and that I had to spit out somethings that made me sick).
Even so, I had to take inventory of my mindset and realize that I am a human being not a human "doing". I needed to learn to BE loved and that I AM loved regardless of how bad I sucked at an audition. To understand that I am valued no matter if someone calls me out of my name. And ultimately, that I have been called to do this and what an honor that is.
With that being said, calling comes at a great price. Sometimes you will lose friends or friends will lose you, sometimes you will not be able to pay bills but make it up with great experiences, sometimes you want to literally give up because you feel like this isn't what you asked for. But I challenge us to question that because... we DID ask for this. No one wants to be insignificant, everyone wants their lives to matter.
This has led to the question I keep asking myself, "Why me?" I'm not as good as Josh Groban, or Denzel Washington (aka my Dad) or Fred Astaire. These people are way better than me. Nevertheless, there had to be a shift in my own mindset. I’m learning more now than ever that comparison kills but perspective propels! I say, "Why Me?" and God says "Why NOT you?" That was a huge revelation for me. I’m beginning to understand why I get to do this.
I get to do this to prove that I don't have to be the best but to simply be available, stay eating that humble pie and, just enjoy every friggin moment that I'm given!